This morning, I laid in bed and planned for the best day of my life. My plans grew complex, and my laugh grew more maniacal with each passing thought. The best day of my life will be the day I get to repay my kids for all they do...
This will occur the night before a drivers' test, a big game, the senior prom, or some other important event.
*start crying for no apparent reason (every hour on the hour, all night long)
*fall out of bed (every half-hour, on the half-hour)
*tip-toe into their rooms and stand over them, with my face inches from theirs, until they wake up with a start. I will then whisper, "I have to go to the bathroom." (at 12:45)
*ask for milk (at 1:15)
*ask for water (at 1:45)
*ask for candy (at 2:15)
*ask for a new pair of shoes (at 2:45)
*ask for multiple other things in a voice so whiny and choked with emotion that they couldn't possibly understand me (at 3:15)
*tip-toe into their rooms and stand over them, with my face inches from theirs, until they wake up with a start. I will then whisper, "My foot is asleep." (at 3:45)
*tip-toe into their rooms and stand over them, with my face inches from theirs, until they wake up with a start. I will then do my best imitation of an unreasonable sleepwalker. (at 4:15)
*after I fall out of bed at 4:30 am, things will be mysteriously quiet. Silent. For thirty minutes. At 5 am, their alarm will go off, and I will run into their rooms, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, to ask if I can watch a cartoon and demand my breakfast!
The second best day of my life will occur on the first time I go to visit my children in their own homes. They will have slaved to make me a beautiful, tasty dinner. They will be proud to show off their skills.
*Take one bite of food, make a face, examine the food, spit out my bite, then push the plate away and say, "This. Is Gross."
*Five minutes into the meal I will get up from my seat and start wandering around the house. I will jump on the couch, give the la-z-boy a couple of good roundhouses, turn a cartwheel for good measure, and practice my sliding on the kitchen floor.
*I will move without rhyme or reason from one subject to the next, never allowing them to respond to my first question or request, which they couldn't understand in any case because I was speaking with food in my mouth.
*After sliding on the kitchen floor, I will ask what's for dessert. If it's something good, I will return to the table for exactly 22 seconds, take two bites of food, then leave the table and resume turning cartwheels.
*During a lull in the conversation, I will suddenly break into tears because, "I really wanted you to make chicken nuggets, but you didn't make them for me. And also, I fell at school today and scraped my knee."
*I will excuse myself to use the bathroom. On the way, I will comment on the garbage "that stinks", the refrigerator "that stinks", and the bathroom. "This bathroom stinks. Who was supposed to clean it this morning. You must have forgot. This bathroom stinks." The bathroom commentary will occur WHILE I'm using the bathroom....and will suddenly cause everyone to be done with their meals.
*I will find something to complain about, even if they serve Twinkies for dessert.
*On our way out, I will knock their mailbox off the post and do doughnuts on their front lawn. Just for kicks.